God has been speaking to me lately about my security...about what is really secure and what isn't. I have, for a while now, been wondering when I will be able to settle down in a home that fits our family (and has lots of closets and ways to help me organize). I have driven around town so many times, imagining my life from the perspective of a cute, little well organized home, where I would finally be content and happy. A place I could rest and call home. I have many times been waiting for that time in our life to come when we make more money, can buy a newer car and afford a bigger house, when we can afford to put money away every month in a 401K. When we can finally make all those check marks on our list of "things to do" and finally be...secure. But, over the past two years, I have watched people who made seemingly good choices have the carpet pulled out from underneath them. Good jobs have been lost, homes have been foreclosed on, families have had to sell all their possessions and downsize. It started to make the think a little differently about how I would define my security. Part of my mind wants to think that doing things "the right way" or living the "America dream" can't fail...I mean we're supposed to go to college, land a good job, find a great spouse, buy a big house, have a few top notch children, go to church on Sundays, take long vacations...and be happy. Right? Isn't that what our life is supposed to be about? At this point in my life, I can firmly say, No. The Dream is a false, broken Dream...but for some reason people keep pursuing it.
Look around at who we are as a whole: our country is stressed out, overweight, over-sick and divorced. It just doesn't add up.
And let's not pretend like the only thing that could ever go wrong out there is that someone could lose their job (though that is huge). Let's not forget that we are mortal beings in a world that is crumbling. I am just completely struck by the fact that so many Christians that I know of live their lives like they have never read the book of Revelation. Come on--everyone reads at least that book. This world is a sinking ship, it is not going to last forever, nor are our lives on this earth, so why do we live our lives as though it is?
I think money does weird things to people. I think it gives us a false sense of security. I think it makes us feel stable, fail-proof and smart. When we were in Costa Rica, I was standing on the beach watching some of the locals and thier families. They were playing soccer, the kids were swimming and the mother's were overseeing the children. There were about 20 kids all sharing 2 small intertubes. The kids wore their cut off's and tank tops to swim in, rode rusty bikes, and wore no shoes. I laughed to myself when I noticed the gigantic armfulls of things we had brought to the beach. We had enough towels for everyone to have 2, a few bottles of sunblock, snacks, cameras, kick boards and boogie boards. My kids were wearing water wings and life jackets, water shoes and a water shirt. The simplicity of the locals struck me. They didn't have near as much as I did, their houses are very small, their possessions even smaller I am sure--yet they didn't seem to be any worse off for it. In fact, they seemed very happy and very content.
So--these are the things that God has been using to pull me away from putting my eggs in a basket with a hold in the bottom of it. I felt like I was getting it, understanding that this life can be very insecure despite our best efforts to build our earthly kingdom as strong as possible, and that money can do some very strange things.
Well, turns out the lesson was not over. My good friend Esther and I were driving home from church a few weeks ago and happend upon a man who had just been run over by a car. Two men were standing over him, one was just beginning to flip his phone open to dial 911. I didn't really know what I was doing, but we parked and got out of the car and walked over to him. He was lying still, body twisted, eyes halfway open, bleeding from the head and more significantly from the nose. Nobody was close to him, no one was comforting him, rather Jeremy and the two other guys were either talking to the dispatcher or trying to find out who did it. For some reason, I couldn't stand to see someone suffering alone. So I sat by him, I began to pray out loud, but honestly it felt very fruitless. I put my hand on his arm and told him to breathe, keep breathing. My eyes locked to his face. It was not pretty but for some reason I couldn't look away. Nor could I stop talking, stop encouraging him to keep breathing. Maybe he could hear me. Maybe he was going to die and I couldn't stand the thought of him going out alone. Later I realized, God wanted me to see that. I know He did. He wanted me to see, not just hear, but see, how mortal I am. One minute previous this man was alive and well, and now he was fighting for his life on the cold pavement. I am just as mortal as he. Even though I might not die till I'm 80, I'm still dying...I'm still mortal. Everyday I get closer to my own death and NOTHING I can do in this life can change that. He was no more mortal that I.
That happend three days before Christmas and as I was allowing these thoughts of death and life to circulate in my head, I was also telling my kids the story of baby Jesus. Immanuel. God with us. What is that all about?
I began to think about the fact of my own mortality, realizing that there was nothing I could do to prevent my own death...and then that we are all in that state of being mortal. And then I thought about Jesus, coming down from Heaven to be with us mortal beings whose lives are wrecked with sin and full of suffering at practically every turn. It was, to me, just like sitting there on the cold pavement with the bleeding man, encouraging him to breathe, to keep fighting. Jesus got off of His throne and came to be with us in our misery...in our mortality, in our struggle on this Earth. And not only did he come to walk along side us and to live life with us for all that it is and all that it isn't, but He came to show us the way to real Life. He came to show us how we can escape this mortal life all together and have an eternal one some day...but it isn't gained without a fight. This verse from Romans speaks this truth and it is by far my favorite:
"For the creation was subjected to frustration not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God."
God hopes we can make it through this life, He knows He has made us "strong enough to stand though free to fall" (thankyou John Milton). This is Satan's playground and many of us are decieved. I picture it just like that night. Jesus steps into a mess that He had nothing to do with, and encourages us to keep fighting all the frustration of this World and He shows us the way to be liberated, the way to life: "just breathe, keep breathing." Everytime I thought of baby Jesus this year, I teared up. He made it so real to me.
This has been a season full of death. Jeremy's granpa died in a plane accident in May, his best friend from High School in June, his Grandma a few days ago, I learned of the death of a classmate this week, and my heart has been broken for a mother with 4 children that has cancer in her breasts, bones and brain. Ah, this life. It is too much at times.
So, all that to say, where does my security lie? Not in me, not in the things I can do, or the money we can make, or the things I can buy. I only desire to be secure in the things God gives me, and everything I do have already, I hold with an open hand. He holds the keys to the only secure and eternal Kingdom. I will probably have to give it up on a daily basis, but I don't want to hold on to anything else. It's just not worth it.
I have come to picture God like a caring Father. A good parent not only cares for his child's today, but for his tomorrow as well. A good parent looks out for his child's future, the kind of person he is to become and maybe even puts some money away for college. God is like that. He has made an investment in our future, but it is a future that can never crumble, can never be taken away.
So many times we feel that God does not care becuase He is not answering our problems or our prayers right now. Maybe he does care, maybe He wants things to blow up, maybe He doesn't want to just keep the peace for today. Maybe He is more concerned about getting things out in the open today so that you may end up with an eternal tomorrow.
I have thought about this kind of like GPS vs The Map. When using GPS, we just want to know what the right turn is, right now. We don't care about the big picuture, we just want to know where to go now. And God doesn't tell us. He wants to give us the Big Picture. He wants us to look at the map, and understand it so that we can navigate through any hard time in this life. We just have to be willing to continue to ask, seek and knock as we go throughout this life. And He has promised to answer.
