The Problem with Protection

Last night Sam came inside from building a snowman (which is not the point…. the snow STINKS and that is all) and his feet were freezing cold.  He wanted to keep his cold, damp socks on, but I told him to take them off and put on his warm sock-slippers!  Sam said, "No no no!...Okay your right."  I said, "Sam, I usually am right you should start remembering that."  He said, very seriously might I add, "No not really.  That was like the first time in a really long time that you were actually right, so…"

My first thought is to shake my head in sarcastic laughter say something like, "the sooner you learn that I'm always right -- the better!"  Life would be so much easier if my kids would simply believe what I say.

Then I thought of the compliant children-turned-adults I have met that have grown up and been unable to find their own way in the world because no one is telling them what to do anymore… and they were never taught to think for themselves.  The last thing I want for them is to grow up with no way to navigate the world because I didn't let go enough to let them learn, or let them fail.  

However, giving kids the space and freedom to fail is easier said than done.  Sometimes my kids make me look like a super-bad parent and quite frankly it's embarrassing. 

I will give you two examples.

Addi with her two beloved animals

How about the time Addi was brought home at 7:45 am by a local prison guard?  I have not shared this story on the blog because honestly Addi and I are both more than a little embarrassed by it.  It was two Springs ago when all types of life was bursting forth in the neighborhood--including the life of baby skunks underneath my neighbors house.  We, along with the neighbor, had caught some of the babies and were attempting to keep them alive for 1 day until a rehabilitator could come and pick them up.  Addi is an animal nut-- and especially good with small animals.  She is at her best when a small creature is dependent on her for its existence… it brings her to life.  

Feeding a baby skunk

So the following morning after our discovery, Addi woke up with Skunk Fever.  She could not contain herself and HAD to go to the neighbors house to see them again….. like right now!  She woke me up at 7:00 a.m. asking to go.  I mumbled no and went back to sleep.  

She was so desperate that while I slumbered, she talked herself in to just going over to the neighbors for a quick peak at the baby skunks, just a peak.  So she walked out the front door and into the neighbors back yard and wiggled the back door knob, to find - of course - that it was locked.

Addi's plan was not to be disrupted by a silly ol' locked door!  She remembered that Grandma's house (4 houses down) had a hide-a-key, and maybe THAT would work in the neighbors back door!  So down the street she flew, barefoot in her purple night gown at 7:15 am.  She was almost back to the neighbor's house when a employee from the prison was driving by and didn't think things looked right.  She asked Addi if she needed any help:

"No, I don't" she said.  

"Can I take you home?"

"No, I'm not going home."

Well that was enough to worry this prison security guard.  She asked where she lived and delivered my tiny determined child to my doorstep, all wide eyed and barefoot in her nightgown, with Grandma's hide-a-key mysteriously folded into her sweaty palm. 

I thanked the security guard who brought her back.

"She needs these real world experiences! Thank You!"

I don't think she was feeling me because she looked at me kinda weird as she walked off and I'm pretty sure she went ahead and called the police after she left.  Despite awkwardness and embarrassment of that situation, Addi's a strong willed child and she will remember the lessons the world gives her better than the ones that come from her parents.  For that reason alone I was glad for it.

Or how about the time Sam fell out of a tree in front of at least 100 people last Spring?  This one was a severe social boo-boo and it took a toll on me emotionally.  Sam has a super-hero type personality: a tender heart matched with over-confidence.  He was climbing too high, going after a balloon that was hinging on the outer edges of a branch.  I could see the look in his eye -- brave and determined to be the unexpected hero.  The yellow balloon was dancing at the edge of the limb, like a frightened cat stuck in a tree.  His tiny, agile body was inching it's way out on the limb, taking careful steps on an even smaller limb to fetch the abandoned balloon.

That's when my husband started giving him verbal commands while walking toward the tree.

"Do not step on that branch son it will not hold you."

Sam stops and doesn't take a step.  

Only a broken wrist but a CAT scan just to be sure

My husband walks closer, almost underneath him. The presence of his dad moving closer must have given him some kind of last minute false hope… because he took that step.

The tiny branch broke the second he stepped and I witnessed my tiny son falling at least 12 feet to the ground.  My husband made a grab for him but missed.  He hit the ground lopsided and wailing, "Aaaahhhhh!  I'm so sorry!!!  My back is broken!  I'm so sorry!!!"

The infamous balloon in the tree, and my husband below

It was terrible.  A moment I truly wished would never have happened.  A broken wrist instead of a broken back was the only result.  It wrecked me for a few weeks as I wouldn't forgive myself for letting him get that high in the tree on such a flimsy limb.  Plus it did not help that I played the incident over and over in my mind with the sound of the "oooohhhhhsssss" from the crowd in the background.  One of my biggest parenting failures was witnessed by so many people, it was hard to forgive myself.

My children are overly confident and slightly manipulative…and they are my flesh of my flesh.  Their senseless determination and boldness is something I recognize in myself.  I am the nurturer who will stop at nothing to ensure the safety of a small helpless being.  I am overly-determined and will set my sights on an elusive goal that is too far reaching to carry out in this lifetime.  

I see our similarities.  I get it.

I'm incredibly thankful that over the years God has granted me the time and space and freedom to work out my own determined will and rough edges.   Thanks to having parents who were wise enough to raise me well and then release me to my Maker, I have learned and I have failed many times.  But as a parent myself, I'm not quite sure I can extend the same freedom to my own kind…because it's just not socially acceptable.  

I read this article by Dr. Tim Elmore entitled Three Huge Mistakes We Make Leading Kids…and How to Correct Them and it made me feel a little bit better and worse all at the same time.  Better because he points out that "pain is a necessary teacher" and in order to raise kids successfully we must allow them to fail and experience pain.  Worse because I'm afraid I don't live in a society that thinks pain and failure are our best teachers.  We are instead dominated by fearful parents who 1)Risk too little  2)Rescue too quickly and 3)Rave too easily, creating an adult that is ill-prepared for a world full of risks and uncertainty.  

I would take this a step further and say that our over focus on safety and averting risk also keeps us from each other.  We want to play it safe, not get involved, criticize rather than do something to help.  Too often we turn our backs on one another instead or judge parents whose children are too high up in trees or are running down the sidewalk in nightgowns…

I'm encouraged when I hear other voices saying the same thing.

Two Sunday's ago I listened to a sermon at Bridgeway Community Church called Who Is My Neighbor?, where Scott Fadness, the Mayor of Fishers claimed that too many of us lives in quiet desperation in neighborhoods that are chock-full of people.  We distance ourselves from one another and put on the veneer of perfection, meanwhile the most common response from local police was suicide.  He challenged us to be better neighbors to one another, because "no government institution will ever be able to rival the collective impact of people helping people."

I couldn't possibly agree more.  I wish instead of calling the police the woman who brought my daughter home that day would have stayed to chat for a while.  I'm living proof that there's tremendous power in people helping other people, and I suppose I'm gonna keep beating this drum because I think it's the one that God has given me to beat.  

After many, many, many trials and error in life, it feels good to have landed in a place where God wants me, leading an organization that's all about the people helping people by giving them the grace, love, and understanding that God has given us.  

Now, when it comes to giving the same things to my kids… well its just going to be an uphill battle because I do not know how to really give them back to God quite yet.