Following the Eternal

At the end of the 2013, it seems appropriate to recount our Adventure, although I struggle to define exactly where we are.

The journey started last January when Jeremy lost his job and I encouraged him not to take another but to leave space for playing more music.  At the same time I was offered a part-time job from God.  We took the job from God (and the unemployment) and have been pursuing that which gives us life over that which gives us money ever since. 

I call it The Johnson Family Adventure… but I could rename it the Johnson Family in Wonderland.  More times than not I find myself catching glimpses of incredible things… beautiful, life-giving moments… and I think it all means something.  I chase the white rabbit for a spell before it inevitably evades me, and I go back to wondering around waiting for the next moment to come along. 

Despite the life-giving moments, there have been moments of struggle that have been so intense they have nearly derailed us entirely.  Doing what you love is great but barely scraping by wares on you.  Multiple times we have chided ourselves for not praying through our struggles and not trusting God enough.   We have fought hard to refuse the thinking that God is as boring and status quo as the rest of the world.  It's tempting to think that He too wants us to conform and spend our lives stuck in a lifeless routine for a meaningless paycheck that represents the promise of safety and security...but I know better.

The majority of the decisions I have made in my life have had nothing to do with a paycheck, but more with purpose in mind.  On the outside it looks like I could have made a few senseless choices here and there…traveling to Seattle for college at a private school (we’ll be making minimum payments on my loans for the next 20 years)…choosing to say yes to a business venture in Alaska (at least we broke even on this one!)…choosing to become a mom before I even graduated from college (thus we’ve always lived on a single income)…and here I am again, encouraging my husband to invest in his musical talents and to not worry about getting a full-time job at the moment. 

Though we have always struggled to get our heads above water and be able to provide for more than just the bare minimum, we have found such adventure in our lives.  Managing the only gas station in a largely red-neck town in Alaska is chock-full of stories.  Choosing to have children in the midst of this business venture was an interesting choice and one that I later had to admit was bad timing.  God turned this business venture into a catalyst that would wreck us as people and threaten to end our marriage.  Our four years in Alaska were like a pressure cooker where all of our impurities were painfully brought to the surface.  God didn’t hide our eyes from them and in fact seemed to force us to look at them.  It’s so much easier to see the flaws in your spouse than it is to see the flaws in yourself.  God can be quite relentless in his desire to refine his children.  After four years and two kids in Alaska, we entered what I call our “recovery mode” in Indiana.  For over 2 years God whittled away at our souls by means of an incredible church with counseling and programs.  We were both being torn apart as people and it was such a painful process…but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  God used every shred of our pain and discomfort to change us at the core.  He was absolutely relentless with us… and the ends certainly justified the means. 

Out of that phase came music…songs that still make me flinch when I hear them, like Growing Old at Home because they are so laced with the emotions of that time.   Jeremy began writing Loves Like Holding Guns and The Only Cure, and then left them undone for months.  He was literally painting the picture of our current life, and there was no conclusion for a while.  I was just hoping the songs wouldn’t end proclaiming our ultimate defeat. 

I learned through our struggles and personal train wreck that God is so much more out-of-the-box that I ever thought.  There is much more grace and freedom within Him than rules and expectations.  I realized that it was me who was the one always putting expectations on others and myself… God didn’t ask me to act fake on the outside while I was dying on the inside.  I was the one who put myself up to that insurmountable task. 

The past year as we have explored the “The Johnson Family Adventure” it’s been a challenge to embrace the plow we have put our hand to.  It looks kind of unstable from the outside…me working between 20 and 40 hours a week for a non-profit, my homebased business and the YMCA, and Jeremy making ends meet though side jobs and music. 

As unstable as it may seem, there’s a large amount of ripe fruit that ebb and flow in between Safe Families and music.  Some days I play the roles of social worker by day, groupie by night.   There is nothing like being unraveled by the complexities others face in their daily life.   I am always recognizing the fact that we as people have all been dealt a bad hand in life in one way or another, and that God…regardless of where we have been and what we might be facing, always gives us a path out of our mess if we want it.  I love that Jeremy’s music reflects our own struggles with life and sends a message that matters.  I am one that feels rich when I get to live these moments that hold something eternal in them.  

My hope is that we will continue to catch a glimpse of our white rabbit and find moments where life fully exists and eternal matters are at hand….and that we might allow ourselves to be fully seen and refined by the One who knows us better than ourselves…and that we might have the courage to follow the Eternal, wherever it may find us.  

May the Adventure continue in 2014!