Ode to Addi Grace

I always knew one day I would write about her.  It's just that I have blocked out so much.  The majority  of our relationship has been comprised of constant turmoil with brief periods of unexpected grace.

She is my daughter.  Addison Grace, whom today turned 8 years old.  The dimple on her over sized cheek when she grins her incredible grin is a total misnomer.  Her middle name is yet to describe her disposition.  She is tiny for her age and seems harmless, but she is small and mighty.  Very small and very mighty.

Her birth rocked my world.  I remembering seeing other mothers with their babies who seamlessly transitioned into motherhood without a glitch.  Mine was full of glitches.  She screamed at me for everything and during her first year she would only fall asleep at night because she had exhausted herself from all the crying.

I look back at our first 3 years together and feel dizzy with memories of tantrums, door slamming and baby profanity (as I call it).  I'll never forget when the lightbulb went on in my head when she was about 3 1/2, and I realized that I was dealing with a strong willed child.  So strong, in fact, that at different points in her first 3 years of life, my mother-in-law would call her temper "the worst she's ever seen," and my own mother would throw her hands up in the air and say, "I don't know Emma, your on your own!!"

I had been so sure that her temper had been just a "phase" and that loving her the right way would melt her determined will and kindly call her into submission to her all-knowing, all-wise mother.  This was not to be, I would have to learn another way.

When she was two she got a baby brother that she was mostly happy about, but not entirely.

When she was only three she declared that she couldn't wait to "move out" where there are "no mean mommy's and mean daddy's and she could live by herself."  This fierce independence was no joke.  During the year of three, Addi, Sam and I all flew to Oregon by ourselves.  I had to change Sam's diaper and I required that Addi come with us to the bathroom.  She begged to stay in her seat.  I considered it for a moment, not really wanting to cram 3 of us into the airplane's bathroom, but decided she'd better come with me.  She looked at me, read my mind like she always does and said, "Mommy, I promise, if anyone tries to take me... I'll kill them!"  These were her exact words.

When she was four she started trying to be smarter than me: "Addi it's time for a bath."  "No it's not.  It's time to play with play dough.  Simon didn't say to take a bath.  I'm Simon and Simon says to play with play dough."

When she was five she declared she knew who she wanted to marry.  I said "that's great!  We'll just have to wait and see what God has in store for you two!"  She said, "What?  I don't care what God thinks, I'm marrying Jaxen when I'm 18!"

When she was six she lost her first tooth, grew her hair to her rear end, started calling her Grandma by her first name (Pam), and tried to dress her guinea pig up like a rat for Halloween.  At this age she actually did become smarter than me every now and then.  Once I gave her a Rubik's cube to try and figure out while in the back seat of the car.  After about 5 minutes she said, "Mom I got one side completely matched!"  I was surprised, but assumed it was possible.  Five more minutes passed and she exclaimed, "Mom I got another side all matched!"  Now I was really surprised, and praised her for figuring it out!  I told her to tell her dad as soon as we got home.  When she did, I asked, "What did Dad say about the Rubik's cube?"  She looked down and said, "Oh, he figured it out....I just switched the stickers around...."

When she was seven she started drinking her beverages out of a martini glass.... and she still called her Grandma by her first name.  She also started showing signs of such bravery, never shedding a tear when taking a hard fall off her bike, and responding to emergency situations with a calm, cool and collected head.  Like when Tok got a bone lodged vertically in his mouth, forcing it in the open position (it was this way for at least an hour before I noticed...)  Addi calmly held his jaw and we forced it out, while Sam ran through the house wailing.


Her guinea pig is her saving grace.  She's had him since she was 6; she adores this thing, treats it like her own baby and she his mama.  When she cries she runs to him and he (no lie) licks the tears off her face.  He crawled into my lap the other day while she and I were sitting side by side.  Addi seeing him says, "Ferdie doesn't like you.  He told me.  He doesn't like his Grandma."

Sometimes I respond to her in ways she can understand, like in terms of guinea pigs.  I say to her, "Addi, what if you got a grumpy guinea pig?  What if he ran from you every time you tried to hold him?  What if he growled in your face when you tried to kiss his cheek?"

She gets it.  Totally gets it, and yells, "I"M NOT A GRUMPY GUINEA PIG!!!!"

In the past eight years, this girl has made me question myself, made me cry when I find myself at my wits end acting in ways I never imagined, and even has made me want to give up on being her mom (for at least a day!)  She challenges me practically every day we are together, constantly calling my methods into question and refusing to comply to my ways... but at the end of the day, she forces me into self reflection in a way a compliant child would not.  She's an incredible force to be reckoned with, but in the end she has probably made me a better parent because of it all.  It helps that she has an awesome Dad who is more patient with her than me.  She has always adored her Daddy, and he has always made a better effort than me at seeing life from her perspective.

She is something else, God gave her to us and I love her dearly.  Happy 8th Birthday to my incredible daughter, Addi Grace.

The Johnson Family Adventure

I am beginning to feel a curious joy within me, one that only God could create in someone such as me.  I have spent so many of my days disorganized, misplacing things, and managing my time poorly.  But God is beginning to align my life in ways I wouldn't have even thought were possible.  I have always said, if anything ever comes of Jeremy and I... if people like us can pull it together and work towards a common goal... then surely there must be a God in heaven.

I have said many times, that Jeremy and I together are like the blind leading the blind.  We both struggle with organization, motivation and procrastination.  We misplace things constantly... with both of us trying our absolute best, we have the strength one semi-organzied person.  No joke.  Just ask my mother.

Right now, Jeremy sits in the bathroom with the door closed, playing his guitar.  Our lives have taken a detour, the future is somewhat unplanned... and he and I couldn't be happier.  Allow me to explain.

One month ago, Jeremy got the news that he was being laid off.  My heart somewhat rejoiced over this, since I have watched my husband die a slow death and as he day in and day out worked a job he greatly disliked for a cutthroat corporation he had little to no respect for.  His saving grace was always his music, whether that meant practicing on his lunch break or playing gigs on the weekends, it saw him through his misery.  He even wrote a song whose message was birthed from the pains of his cubicle.  (By the way, this is one of my favorite songs.  It is unrecorded... anyone know which one it is??)

So the chance for a change was welcomed.  Soon, a good job opportunity came along... one that would pay substantially more money and should provide Jeremy and I with more ease and security.  Many times, Jeremy and I teetered back and forth between taking the job and pursuing plan B.  The job offered a lot; it was like a sparkly golden carrot dangling in front of us, and time and time again we told ourselves, "We should take that carrot.  The carrot is secure.  The carrot can give us the things we need. The carrot is the responsible choice, the wise choice of the male provider..."

Although the carrot would have fixed many of our immediate problems--like the holes in the walls of our stair well, and the dilapidated thing in our backyard we sometimes call a garage--deep down we didn't want the carrot.  We wanted plan B.  Plan B was more of a pipe dream that Jeremy and I would practically joke about (or blog about).  Plan B was having the freedom to travel and book shows in familiar cities, while I homeschooled the kids and continued working my Shaklee biz.  This plan obviously didn't hold a candle to the opportunity that the job presented, so it wasn't largely considered.

We decided that the job was too good to refuse, and Jeremy accepted the job offer, despite his longing to pursue his music more seriously.  A few different complications pushed the date of his offer back a few days, then a week.  During this bonus week, we both found our minds drifting back to plan B.  A few more pieces had coincidentally fallen into place.  One major piece was my part-time job offer.

Now--allow me to make it well known that I wasn't out seeking a part-time job because my husband got laid off.  God brought me this job.  He dropped it on my lap in the middle of a whirlwind, just like he dropped four kids and their incredible Mom into our lives one weekend back in September.

The organization I have been asked to work for is Safe Families.  This is the organization that allowed our family and my parents to keep the four kids for four months, (you can read about this adventure here, here and here), which bought their hard working Mom much needed time to get back on her feet.  This was the greatest gift she could have been given, and knowing the difference it made in her life gives me such joy.  I am so grateful for this organization... they made it possible for a loving Mom to NOT lose her kids and it's going to continue to help more people as Andria and I share our story and spread the good word about Safe Families to Madison County.  So, needless to say, I'm taking this job one way or the other.  But how incredibly perfect of God to present this opportunity NOW.  He provided me with a part-time job before we knew Jeremy would be getting laid off.

Once we added this new part-time position to Plan B, it became all the more tantalizing. Have you ever seen the movie The Odd Life of Timothy Green?  In one scene, the parents are unable to have a child, so for one night... they dream.  They write down everything their child would be if they were to have him, with the intentions of burying their dreams forever in their back yard and move on with the realities of life.

Well, coincidentally, we kind of did that too.  With the extra week of having Jeremy entirely off work, ... we found ourselves dreaming more and more.  We soon found there were more aspects to our Plan B pipe dream than we thought, and it couldn't be contained as only pursuing music.  It was a conglomerate of ideas and passions we both felt that God had placed within our souls.  Plan B was soon re-named, The Johnson Family Adventure.

I spent late nights online learning how to further grow my home based business with Shaklee.  I spent time thinking of ideas and ways to spread the good word about Safe Families to all of Madison County and beyond.  I even thought about ways I could schedule breaks in the gymnastics program I run at the YMCA.  We both spent an ample amount of time thinking of new ways Jeremy could pursue his music--ways that haven't been available to him with a full-time job.  These ideas included playing weddings and in churches; maybe even weaving in some stories from the background of his music, allowing his song-writing to be an opportunity for transparency and help to others.

After that week, the job offer was still on the table.  Jeremy felt that it was too late to back out now... so he agreed to meeting at 8:30 Friday morning to seal the deal and take the job.  After a day of mourning the loss of our Johnson Family Adventure, I decided to back my husband 100% and encouraged him to go through with the job if he felt it was right.  So I kissed him on his way out the door that morning before he left, feeling as though our fate was sealed.

How surprised I was, when he called a few hours later, to tell me he didn't take the job.  There was a moment of opportunity that allowed him to clear his head and realize he couldn't rightly take a position he wasn't 100% invested in.  It wouldn't have been right for the company or for himself.

So here we are, on the brink of Plan B, The Johnson Family Adventure... and though our future is undefined, our hearts are full and expectant.

Haiti, Vegas.... and a Pickle

The Johnson's are in a pickle.  Probably the biggest pickle we have been in in at least 4 years.  Life changing decisions must be made.... and it's soooooooooo hard.

So, I invite you to step right in to the middle of The Johnson's Life.

First, however, we must re-visit Vegas.

In my  previous post I began the careful investigation of doing a compare/contrast between my travels to Haiti in January 2012 and Vegas in January 2013.  Turns out there is much more to say about how I function in both of these locations.... more than the differences in the places themselves.  I could attempt to compare the differences in the people... the humility of the Haitians vs the entitlement of the Vegas-goers.  I could compare the very fact that a 3 1/2 hour plane ride to the West takes me to a concrete paradise built strictly for fun and wasting money, while a similar plane ride to the South takes me to a poverty-striken country where children run around naked and starving and die of disease and starvation daily... but I won't.

I would rather comment on the change I saw in myself as I compare my own behavior in the opposite environments of Haiti and Las Vegas.  First of all I was slightly disgusted at the amount of money wasting that went on.  It practically seemed like people brought wads of cash to purposely throw around carelessly... and as much as I desired to stick to spending only the cash that we brought... I eventually justified spending $100 over what we had planned because of this mentality.  Everyone else was doing it, so why did I need to be such a tight wad???  Funny because I remember being in Haiti and running out of money towards the end of the trip.  One of the older kids at the orphanage had his original artwork for sale... and it was beautiful.  But I was running low and wanted to be sure I had enough money to get home.  His artwork was selling for $25 and it was worth every penny.  He implored....I declined.  Funny how easily I justified overspending in Vegas just because everyone else seemed to be.  But to think of how much more my overspending would have benefitted this boy in Haiti is incomparable.
Overall I found that my own personal needs skyrocketed while in Vegas.  I expected things to be a certain way and found myself frustrated when they weren't.  I found that I was thouroughly annoyed on the airplane when I sat next to a twenty-something kid looking at women's fashion magazines, gawking with his nose pressed an inch away from a scantily clad woman.  I was almost pushed over the edge by this kids' inability to breathe with his mouth closed.  To make matters worse, every time he coughed he refused to cover his mouth and instead allowed his germs to roll freshly off his tongue and onto his lap.  YUCK!!  I'm still bothered by it.  But I dare say had I sat next to that kid on my way home from Haiti I probably would have struck up a conversation with him and ended up talking about his childhood.  My heart was in a different place.  One trip was meant to serve, and the other was meant to be served.  Maybe one day I will find that I will be the exact same person in both locations....

I won't be so stubborn as to say I didn't thoroughly enjoy myself in Vegas... because I did.  Jeremy and I had a phenomenal time and we are both thankful for the incredible opportunity this was for the advancement of his music career.  After his show, I had numerous people raise their eyebrows in surprise and say, "your married to that guy???"  He and the band severely kicked butt and made some major impressions.  I have an incredibly talented husband who has been writing beautiful music within the walls of our home for over 10 years now.  His music career is advancing as he has impressed some  of the right people for sure...but unfortunately impressing people doesn't quite pay our mortgage.  Welcome to the struggle we now find ourselves in.

Two Tuesday's ago... the day we left for Vegas, Jeremy got a call from his boss... his position is ending... their moving his position to Denver... he's getting laid off.  We contemplate moving to Denver for 2 seconds and then realize he's always wanted to quit his job anyway so Denver is out of the question.  Next he starts calling people that might be able to give him a job.  He gets an interview... the job description is great for him; not in music at all but a job he would enjoy none the less... a job he could work up in and grow... a job that would pay more... a job that would demand more of him of course.  It seems like a shoo in... like there should be no debate.  He should take the job.

But somewhere from deep within both of us, there is this little music baby whose crying and wants to be heard.  The music baby suggests that maybe now is the time to give music all you have, to do it full time and see where it goes.  To pursue it in every way possible, and see what doors God might open.

Now, to think that Jeremy could replace his income with just music gigs is quite a stretch.... I know.  It wouldn't work unless we started eating our animals and Addi would never forgive us for eating her guinea pig so that's just not an option.

But what is an option is allowing Jeremy to works toward becoming a full time musician while I take a part time job (an incredible job God has especially prepared me to do... no joke) to help out with some of the monthly expenses.  This option is more than possible as I have a job opportunity that I only need to say 'yes' to.

So.... one path holds an AWESOME part-time job for me as Jeremy works toward becoming a full time musician (this option is a leap of faith and holds no guarantees... but sounds exciting as we would go wherever music would take us).
OR
Jeremy takes a good paying consistent full-time job, with music on the side (this is the more practical side... not much risk here at all, and music would only be on the weekends at best).

My heart has SO been for Jeremy's music for such a long time.  God has given him an incredible ability in song writing and I am so passionate about what his music is about.  He can capture a moment like none other.  Tonight in the car I was blaring Meaning to the Madness and found myself sinking into each line, remembering their origins:

How peculiar that I posses the choice to put myself in your shoes.  We're all just one breath away from cold devastating news.  I'm gonna, open my eyes and let my chest feel the pain, so none of these things I do make this mess in vein...

These lines came from one of the many difficult seasons we faced.  Jeremy lost his best friend from High School in a ridiculous skate boarding accident.  His friend was a father of 3 himself and he died on Father's Day.  He also lost his Grandpa that same year... he crashed his own airplane.   We both came to the realization that death could come knocking on anyone's door at anytime and we were no exception.  But when someone you love dearly dies, you don't return to life quite the same.  Something in you screams... something changes, it has to.  Or else you struggle in vein.

That same year Jeremy and I grew more and more sickened by the terrible things that happen to children.  He got very attached to one story out of Idaho... a sweet young boy who was forced to have weekend visitation with his mother was beaten to death by her boyfriend.  The song Bleedingkeys was born out of that story alone.  Little angels mistreated by the ones that they trust.

I also visited the city of Joplin after it was torn to shreds by an F-5 tornado.  What happened there was absolutely gut wrenching.  I explained to him the story of one family eating dinner and seeing the twister heading straight toward them, dropped their forks and ran to the closet seconds before the tornado took their home.  They survived but so many did not...storms rage and people brace as hearts beat and bust.

And then of course there's the babies in any third world country... I witnessed their life and death in Haiti... who literally live their lives every day, starving.... and then they die.  Babies are starving and their turning to dust.

And this is just one song.  Every song is loaded with meaning and real life experience.  In my mind the music must be pursued.  But my husband is a good man who holds practicality in high regard and has not much interest in taking a risk when his family is at stake.

So it's your turn.  Weigh in on this with us!!  Especially if you are fans of Jeremy Johnson!!

Haiti vs Vegas...?

I sit here waiting for my stellar husband to come home from doing a late night radio talk show in Indy.  I watched most of it, and caught 1 ½ of his songs played lived in the studio.  My husband is always incredible to watch live.  I sit on edge as I watch, but he is phenomenal as always.

Four kids sleep downstairs in my living room, I open Word and start to type, listening for the roaring of our small diesel jetta to alert my ears of his arrival.  It can be heard 2 blocks away.  

I stare into the flames from our fake fireplace and my mind begins to wonder, unwinding from the busyness of the past four months.  The blank page is calling me, and has been.  Seldom have I answered it.  I’ve got things to say I can’t say yet.  Stories that simply aren’t mine to tell.  And then there are the thoughts that pass through my head in a day, the ones I can write about…but don’t.  I’m desperately afraid I’ll never wrangle these words… they’ll stay afloat for a while, they’ll dance over my head, beckoning me to capture them and put them to the page…but most days I won’t, and I will fear the day will come when my words will fly away forever.

My daughter sleeps next to me.  We are on the couch.  Earlier she was mad at me and I at her.  She cried in my ear (I was trying to watch her Daddy’s interview), I yelled at her to leave to room (she did).  Now I pick her up and rock her in her sleep, she clings to my neck and doesn’t want me to lay her down on the pillow… wants me to stay attached to her.  Does she know I’m sorry?  Is she reaching out to me in her subconscious sleep? Maybe she’s sorry too.  She missed her Daddy’s interview on account of her fit.  For a moment in uninterrupted sleep, as I rock her and she clings to my neck, we have made amends and we’ll wake up as though it never happened. 

                                                                              *     *     *

In 5 days I’m going to Las Vegas.  I suppose I am looking forward to it now, but I have to admit…. I kind of wanted to die being able to say I was never in Las Vegas.  I’d rather spend my time and money in some sort of natural surroundings instead of a concrete paradise… but whatever.  I’m going and I am excited, mainly because I get to watch my man in his biggest show yet as he and his band, Bleedingkeys, open for North Mississippi Allstars at the Hard Rock Café. 

I find it funny, that last year at this time I was gearing up to go to Haiti in January and this year I’m gearing up for Vegas.  Quite a contrast; though the idea of traveling to two such opposite places does tickle my fancy I must admit.  I love that God can be so out-of-the-box.

 A small part of me wants to attempt some sort of compare and contrast with Haiti and Vegas… Just for fun.  I actually visited a resort for a day in Haiti... and spent the rest of the time either on the compound (working at the clinic or hanging with kids from the orphanage) or setting up medical clinics in rural villages.  

There were many gems to this trip and you can read about them here.  One thing I remember being struck by were the poor people.  Before you chide me for making the understatement of the century, allow me to explain.  The poor there struck me as people who did not so much think of their poverty as something to comment on, or complain about, but rather as a way of life.  Simply put: it just was.  It's hard to think that people living in poverty have a "way of life"... that though one might be very poor, there are still customs and relationships and games and traditions and laughter and fellowship and happiness...and even gratitude.  On Sunday morning, these "poor people" emerged from mud huts and dirt floors with glowing white dresses and wide brimmed hats.  Those who attended church gave their absolute best to God on Sunday morning, though they had nothing.  What a concept.

With that, we will close and revisit this chapter in Vegas...

Four Months Later...

I don't believe I have ever experienced a more exhausting Holiday season!  The past month has been jam packed with kids, basketball practice, gymnastics, Lego and art classes at the YMCA, piano lessons, homeschool and Christmas concerts.  I'm sure there's more but my brain is only firing at a bare minimum these days.
Despite the busyness and exhaustion, I am blown away and so very grateful to God for where we are today.  On August 31, a mother and her four kids walked into our lives.  Jeremy and I, my parents, and a close friend committed to housing them and helping them for four months.  Today, almost exactly four months later, this Mom has a solid job, a house to live in, a car to drive, and a new family.  In August I would have called her an acquaintance and today I call her a sister in Christ.  God has been so incredibly good.
But it's not as though everything has been easy.  You know it is never easy to stop cycles and behaviors that have existed for generations, to break away from habits and relationships that are destructive, to admit your on the verge of losing your kids, to reach out for help.  It's never easy to merge lives and allow almost complete strangers to raise your children.  It is never easy to start over, to completely begin again from scratch.  I think the bravest people out there are the one's who aren't afraid to reach out for help, and I don't know if I have ever met anyone as brave as Andria.  One phone call changed her life forever.  One phone call brought a new circle of friends and family who rallied around her in support of what she was doing.  One phone call found a home for herself and her children, and bought her time to clear her head and her heart.  One phone call led her to a church where she would continue her walk with God, deepen her relationship with him and allow her to become baptized.  I can't imagine anything more worth my exhaustion.

Back in August, had I known what lied ahead, I would have balked... I would have kindly declined... I would have said I'm not fit, I can't do it.  But I would have been missing an opportunity to grow and change and witness an incredible amount of beauty.  

God had been arranging our hearts and our life and the lives of those around us for this, though I didn't know it.  He had put the YMCA in my path because he knew the 2 to 7 kids I would be toting would need some space to run around on cold days and classes to enjoy.  He put an incredible after school program in my path called Imagine If, because he knew the kids would need a place to go after school, and He wanted to surround them with people who loved God and would invest in them.  He put my parents in my path (literally--they live 3 houses down the street) and moved their hearts to equally respond and open their homes to the 2 older boys because He wanted them to have a place they would call "peaceful".
I have learned through this experience that we NEVER KNOW what God has in store!  We never know what he might be carefully orchestrating in the background of our lives, if only we will be patient enough for his good and perfect timing.  For some crazy reason, God has desired to use people--his beautiful and flawed creation--to carry out his work in this world.  In this case God used me, my husband, my parents, my siblings, and my incredible friends to be an extension of his love.  I don't believe Jeremy and I ever would have allowed something as big as this to enter so seamlessly into our lives had God not been busy at work in our own souls in the months and years prior.  Through trials and difficult circumstances, God had wrecked us in a way and as a result loosened our grip on our expectations for our lives.   I almost feel that for a season God was practically prying my fingers open, loosening the intense grip I had on my life, showing me that my control was an illusion.  Each time I loosened my grip, I released more of myself and my life into his hands and his control.  That process left me in a very raw and open place, but a place that allowed some breathing room in my soul, and a place that would ultimately allow a change such as this to enter into my life.
Here we all are on the Sunday of Andria and her sons baptism at the Bridge Community Church:

  December 31 will mark the end of our contracted time with Safe Families.  I cannot say enough about this incredible organization!  They truly saved the day for all of us, entering in and handling the legal work so my family could become a safe family and keep the kids.  An organization such as this made ALL the difference!  Without Safe Families, this story would not have had the chance to take place.  I can't give these people enough props.  Read more about Safe Families here: http://www.safe-families.org/home.aspx/indianapolis
Until next time...
-Emma

The good and perfect timing of God

Life rarely slows down enough to give its' beautiful moments their due credit, but this week I have had two moments that must not be passed without acknowledgement.  The first was watching my new friend help a total stranger as he begged for change, and the second was joining hands with family around the bedside of my dying Granny just moments before she passed from this world.  As we speak I have laundry to finish folding and put away, a closet rod to hang, dishes to wash, and lunches to pack.  As I go through the motions of the daily chores that I seem never to get fully on top of, my mind pulls me back to the beautiful things that have and are taking place.  After what felt like a season of "wandering," my heart rejoices over the beauty that God is creating before my eyes as new relationships are being eternally built.

A few days ago I opened Microsoft Word and noticed the title of my last entry: "Lord we need a change."  It reminded me where I was 1 month ago... Finances had gone from tight to tighter; I had made some decisions about my job a few weeks previous that "felt right" but didn't quite make sense.  I had decided to work closer to our home at a new YMCA, but I was working less hours and making less money.  Now I have 6 kids under my significantly discounted family membership and they are all getting their turn doing tumbling, basketball or anything else they want.  I now see why certain decisions felt right... it was because God knew what was coming.  This is merely one example of how He cleared my schedule, making it possible for us to add 4 kids to our lives for 3 months.   It is exhausting, no doubt, but it is working.  I know the only reason it is working is because God intended for it to work.

I expected things to be busy, and for my life to change... and it certainly has.  There is rarely a moment that I don't feel like I am running 100 miles a minute or playing catch up on some area in life.  Keeping the house picked up and laundry done and a decent amount of order is difficult but something I am determined to do.  I struggle to figure out how to make time for email, check book balancing, mail sorting (blogging)... basically anything that requires focus.  Last weekend Jeremy and I took everyone to the park, I think there were 7 kids in all and I actually jammed all my bills in my purse thinking I could do a little bill pay from my phone at the park.  I am chuckling to myself now at the thought that that would even be possible.

Most evenings we eat dinner at my parents house (I buy, she cooks :) and the boys have ample time to focus on homework and play outside with friends.  The other 2 plus my 2 come home with me for homework and bedtime.  Without having my parents 3 doors down, there is no way this would work and I am so grateful for their desire to come along side us and fulfill this need.  Even though we seem to have some picky eaters, the only one's going without these days are our animals... I seem to forget about feeding them with the influx of human mouths to feed... :) The kids have adjusted to their new school and circumstances very well. They are also very big Jeremy Johnson fans... we can hardly drive down the block without having his CD blaring.  It is pretty cute though, and funny when they call him "Jeremy Johnson".

But there are some things I didn't expect.  I didn't expect to build a solid relationship with the kids' Mom. I didn't expect to be floored by her sheer determination to "make it", by her thankfulness to God who has been so kind to her, or by her immediate desire to help others.

This past Sunday she and I and two of the kids were driving home from church when we passed a man holding a cardboard sign that said something like "Need work, 2 boys, last resort."  We didn't go much more than a block before she said, "Why don't we go back and talk to him?"  My heart had gone out to that guy many times before; I had even bought him Steak n Shake a few weeks previous.  But I had never thought to stop and talk to him. His world seemed too far from mine... but not her's.  This girl has known what it's like to struggle, to ask for help and not find it, to feel like you have no other choice.  So I dropped her off in the median, and circled around to park and see what would happen.  After a few minutes of chatting, he was following her back to my car.  Turns out his needs weren't Steak n Shake.  Turns out he has 3 kids at home but thought he looked so young no one would believe him.  Turns out he had already had the police called on him by the other local beggars because he wouldn't join them in their drug sales.  Turns out he had to come up with $100 by the end of the day to keep from getting evicted.  My friend looked at me and said, "So what do you think we should do?  I already told him I could get him a job with me..."  I figured I could round up $100 in 2 1/2 hours.  She got him an interview and we delivered the money to his door.  It was incredible to see her in action, extending a hand to others so shortly after a hand was extended to her.  I felt like an innocent bystander to something beautiful God had been carefully planning.

Today I sat down to read a chapter in James.  In chapter 2 James points out the flaws of saying but not doing.  I couldn't help but apply it to the situation with the man who needed help.  "Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes or daily food.  If one of you says to him, '"Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,"' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?"  I certainly would have been the well-wisher, the Steak n Shake buyer, but why would I never have thought to stop and just ask him what he needed?  I could stand to learn a few things for my friend's simplicity of faith and love.

Last evening my family received a call from my Granny's nursing home.  She was dying and most likely would not make it through the night.  I had prayed for the Lord to take her many times in previous years.  Her health had been failing after a stroke quite a few years back.  Her strong body had hung on so much longer than anyone expected.  Every time I prayed for her, I envisioned her immediate family around her bedside, praying for God to take her swiftly to the place where her body would be restored and she would be completely and eternally loved.  Last night my mom and sister and I met in her room with other immediate family members.  We chit chatted, had our moments with Granny, kissing her cheek and touching her flesh for the last time.  Just before we left, we all held hands around her bedside and thanked God for this woman who made our lives possible, and prayed for her moment of completion to come soon.  We left and 15 minutes later she died.  I have come to realize that life's most complete moments... the ones' where God feels so present... are the one's where beauty and tragedy are intertwined.  When these two extremes come together, it is the most real and alive emotion I have ever felt.

So today I sit here thankful... even though beds are unmade and laundry is unfolded.  I am thankful for what God has done, for the beauty that He brings to an otherwise decaying world, and for the fact that He orchestrates life's events perfectly, according to his own good and perfect timing.

An update on the Johnson-Bunch

Ok WOW.  I am finally sitting back down to a blog entry I intended on finishing Wednesday of last week.  God was orchestrating things so beautifully, and this is what I wrote:

Folks this is a love story written from the pages of God's own heart.  My heart is soaring today because of the love and response I have gotten from the incredible network of friends and family as Jeremy and I prepare to head into the next 3 1/2 months with four additional children.  That makes the total number of people in our house to be 8.  And we only have 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom.  Yikes!  We wouldn't be doing this without the committed support of my parents (who will sleep the boys at there house on week nights) and my brother and sister-in-law (who will take all 4 every other weekend).

I feel like I need to sit down and track the ways that God has provided since this phone call took place on Friday.  And I also need to let those of you who are asking know exactly how we could use help.  The Lord has been absolutely incredible and I don't believe my heart has been so full for a very long time.

By Friday, I was a nervous wreck again as a new issue arose, and this week we are praying that all of the obstacles we are facing will be ironed out and that Jeremy and I with the help of my parents will be approved to keep all four kids.  It seems to never fail that our Adversary tends to rear his ugly head when people are making the most deep and lasting changes of their lives.  So if you pray, pray that God's will is done this week, and that none of us stumble over these new challenges.

One day I will tell this story from start to finish... how a God has so carefully designed and prepared each of us for this; how my whole family miraculously aligned in answering the call to help a family who desperately needed it; how my husband didn't even bat an eye at taking this on, though our own financial situation is difficult; how I just quit my job weeks previous to work in Pendleton and give more time to my home based business (leaving no obstacles to overcome as far as childcare goes); how my son and daughter have so seamlessly made this transition... Addi especially, hugging me so tightly around the neck when I told her all 4 would be staying; and how Addi, the morning of our life-changing phone call, had already had her friends' name on her lips, as she prayed for God to bring her back over for a visit soon.

I have come to really appreciate my kids' minds, they really seem to 'get' things.  The week leading up to all of this, Addi and Sam were both literally begging me to adopt a Haiti baby.  I find myself begrudgingly explaining the difficulties of adoption, knowing that none of it made sense to their childlike minds.  I credit their desire to help those less fortunate to the many books and stories we have read through Homeschooling.  Our curriculum has opened their minds to the struggles and realities in the world and the impact God-followers have made, which has left them both desperate for their turn to do something incredible.  I found myself praying as well, that God would give us a chance to put our words to actions and serve in any capacity he may have.

It is incredible to see how God had so prepared each of our hearts for this, so that when the call came it didn't take much convincing for each of us to feel comfortable with taking this on.  Our stumbling upon Safe Families was an absolute God-send as well, and I can't even begin to explain how perfect this organization has served our need.  Their purpose is to help families that are in crisis by placing the kids with a "Safe Family" while the parent(s) work to get themselves stable, without the kids having to be placed in foster care.  We are a God-send to these kids as well, and the prayers of the two older boys over dinner have left my mother and I with quivering chins, "Thank you for giving us a family that cares about us and loves and feeds us... and please help them all to go to Heaven."  Too many miracles and beautiful moments to count.    That being said, it doesn't mean things are easy, or that I don't feel entirely under slept at this point, with hours of housework ahead of me.  Aside from the prayer requests I already mentioned, these are a few of our needs:

1. Organizationals: for clothes, shoes, backpacks, school papers etc.  Keeping track of things is not my strong point and I am so hoping that we don't lose half of the things they do have! (heck I will even take some tips from anyone who has a lot of kids and knows how to do this).

2.  Food/Household items: We do have the ability to receive some help with groceries through their Mom's aid, so non-essentials are more pressing, i.e. soap, toothpaste, laundry detergent, toilet paper, etc (I'm sure there is more but my brain is functioning at a very low level right now...)

3.  Vitamins: These kids are pretty healthy, but have scratchy throats and runny noses.  Their nutrition has definitely been limited however, as they had quite a few meals from the soup kitchen this summer, so I would really love to get them on some daily vitamins.  If you are familiar with my Shaklee business, this is another way you could support us.  I am a distributor for Shaklee corporation, and I use my earnings to purchase laundry detergent, cleaning products and vitamins for our family.  I would love to be able to get the kids on a basic chewable vitamin (they have devoured the bottle of Incredivites I already had), plus some vitamin C and maybe even some fish oil if they can take it and some protein.  Both of the boys have been on and off ADD medication (although I don't see it) and I feel that a good nutritional plan could do wonders.  If you want to help out here, just let me know... I'm pretty picky about vitamins and would prefer to stick with the same brand.

4. Gas:  I had hoped to have a bit of a budget set out for a ballpark of what our monthly costs could look like, and how far above they are from when we currently have.  However, I just haven't gotten there yet.  We have received some generous donations from friends and family that have allowed me to play catch up in my checking account.  Last week there was constant running back and forth to Indianapolis for school and belongings, and tomorrow will most likely be my last trip.  I expect our gas bill to be much lower next week, but going anywhere will now take 2 cars.
If anyone would like to donate to our new and large family, Jeremy does have a PayPal account set up through thejeremyj@gmail.com  We have decided that any extra funding we may receive over the next few months will stay in this account and will be given to their Mom at the end of our contract (end date is December 31).

5.  Random:
-Anyone have a decent fold out couch they aren't using?  Might officially allow me to have enough beds in my home.
-The bathroom project needs to come to completion.  We are fully functional, but finish work must be done ASAP to receive approval to house the children.
-Oh and Jeremy needs a new job and I need the 2 gigantic zits on my chin to go away by morning.

Thanks so much for reading, for your prayers, love and support.  Means the world to us.